Sunday, 31 January 2010
For those disbelievers out there, ones who don't trust people with innie belly buttons this is truly not my story ;)
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:'Maybe i should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax' kits.No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be?I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe............OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...
I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down......
My butt is sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself .....................'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
I get in the tub -The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY STARS !!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.'IT WORKS !!!It works !!! ' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color ~~~
I think all women can learn something from this
Friday, 5 September 2008
What i do want to talk about is my little 2 week temping job.
So i am working for this little company in Grove, my role is Admin support. now i am still yet to discover what i am supporting
THERE IS NO WORK FOR ME TO DO!!
on my first day i was given a list of things to do if i had time well within the first 3 days i completed the list.
I was told to bring in a book well i am now on my third book!! below is a list of things i have done to keep me entertained through out a normal day (in order of doing them as best i can).
- Check work email (nothing for me so i am basically just being nosey and reading unimportant stuff)
- Check Hotmail
- Check Face Book (even though i know there is nothing new as it would have told me on Hotmail)
- Check Kerry's Blog (nothing new there as always!!)
- Check my blog (see if there is any new comments)
- Read BBC news (makes me look intellectual)
- Change date on Calender
- Read Work emails (as above)
- reorganise desk
- coffee machine
- drink as much water as i can so that i need to go to the loo more often
- admire art on walls
- check to see if there is a dial tone on the phone
- check Hotmail
- check Facebook
- check Kerrys blog
- check my blog (by this point my stat counter is going up so i look like i have more Friends than i do)
- Browse MSN for new interesting things
- reorganise pen pot into some for m of order be it alphabetical by colour (when repeating change order)
- check post box and pretend i know what i am doing with it.
complete then repeat through out the day!
Things i have learnt
- There are 58 blinds hanging in the windows
- There are 104 ceiling tiles
- 8 of which are lights
- There are 208 carpet tiles
- 4 of which have some unrecognisable stain on them (without sitting on the floor with my forensic case from CSI i don't think i can tell you more)
- i can make out 6 different shades of blue in the carpet
- The lady i am covering for keeps everything (i mean everything)
- it takes 3.5 seconds for the shredder to shred one piece of paper
- if you stare at a floor tile for long enough it starts to move
- there are 22 lines in a small note pad
- and 34 in a lg one
- it takes me 3 mins to walk round the whole building
- it is 72 steps to the toilet
- and 66 to the coffee machine
- if you read a book for 6 hrs straight your eyes go funny
- i can only drink 12 cups of fully loaded coffee before i start to shake
- if you drink 4 litres of water in a day you feel like a fish tank and need to toilet a lot
- if you shake the bottle of milk up for ten minutes then pore it into your coffee you get a latte (education compliments of Lyndsay my partner in crime)
- it is 75 days until Lynday goes to Egypt (woo hoo)
- There are to many kinds of Pink wigs in the world my highlight next week is to see the Pink wig Lyndsey ordered so i can point a laugh
I am sure there are more things but they were so fascinating i cant remember them
What else have i done,
well on Tuesday the phone rang i was so excited at the prospect of something to do, with my pen and notepad in hand i answer the phone with childish excitement, i listen intently take notes and hang up the phone, So i need to book flights and hotel accommodation for a very important man i am so excited until i realise that i have actually forgotten who the hell it was i was talking to!!
So with the help of my partner in crime we manage to deduce who it was and hopefully 1471 has not let us down and i book the requested info the the correct person.
i am sure we will find out when he get to the airport and there is either a flight for him or not.
well that is pretty much my entire week planned out for me i am sure that i will learn more interesting fact as the next week arrives and continues,
the admin support extraordinaire
Monday, 4 August 2008
For about 2 months I have been promising Camille I would write a blog about our camping adventure and many times I have sat down to enlighten the world about our adventures but every single time I have been drawn in to the evil world that is FB ( for those of you who live in a bubble that is the cool way of saying Face Book) so time has passed and no story has gone to press.
I was going through my photos on my comp and came across a couple of camping ones and they made me giggle so here I am sitting at my comp sharing the love, here is a summarised account of our camping trips.
So our first trip was to the New Forest which is south somewhere I believed it was in between Southampton and Portsmouth but I found out very recently that my geographical knowledge of the UK is completely crap and I am completely wrong so all I can tell you is that it is somewhere South.
OK firstly I would like you to take a look at the 2 pictures below and try and figure out how long Camille and I went camping for, bear in mind that the stuff in the car is only Camille's and mine and as you can see it is a big ass car.
Well I am pretty positive that you did not say one weekend, O yes Camille and I only went camping for one weekend, arrive on the Friday afternoon and leave on the Sunday morning.
So we arrive at the camp site 3 hrs later than we planned who only knows why, Tesco has a lot to answer for I actually thing its like a time warp thingy you go in for a pint of milk and leave with enough food for England and seem to have aged 4 yrs Hmmm they don't mention that on there TV ads.
So we spend the next hour standing in what could be a good spot and we stand there discussing its pros and cons and whether we should move. we then duly erected Camille's new fantabulous (new word) tent from Halfords (for those who don't know Halfords is predominantly a bike and car accessories dealer) thinking that we have managed to get a fantastic bargain and no one would know, only then to find out that the thing had in massive Orange letters CHEAPO (halfords) written all over it.
** i would just like to add at this point that i am not complaining about the tent it was to be my home for the next 2 days and if it wasn't for Camille purchasing it i would be sleeping under the stars and i must say it did a grand job at keeping us safe**
Below is a picture of our fantabulous pad
Note the homely touches, the welcome mat and the 2 homing beacons, Camille is the one on the left looking fabulous as ever ;) and yes you are not seeing things that is not me on the right that is Camille's sister in law Hege (sorry if that's spelt incorrectly) the reason she is looking so fresh and relaxed is because for the past 3 hours Camille and i have been putting up there mansion of a tent and when i say mansion i mean it! this thing could home 4 large African communities in comfort. the entire cast of the Cirque du Soliel would be lost in its spaciousness.
After Camille and i managed to put up our tent with shall we say somewhat unhelpful instructions we for some reason offered to put up Camille's brothers mansion as he was arriving later with a bad back. so off we go out it comes from the bag we look at each other with the OMG expression and duly have a ciggy break! To add to our enjoyment it starts raining (not funny) so off we go at a run to get this thing up with minimal damage it stops raining thankfully and a few of the other campers arrive Camille goes off to do the polite thing and say hello etc i stop for a little breather and then the wind picks up and with it the tent goes up i have to do this Rambo commando roll skid thing manage to catch the tent and prevent it from moving sites without us, the nice guy talking to Camille shouts over "well caught do you need any help?", here is me clinging on to the tent with all my might muscles aching sweat dripping from my brow and what does Camille say "na she'll be alright" cheers bud!! ;)
When you go camping i have a firm belief that you have to go for a walk and see the country side you are living in and do the whole Ray Mears bonding with mother nature thing by this i don't mean eating leaves and mud I'm not that hard core, so after a leisurely morning i manage to persuade Camille to come with me, not an easy feat let me tell you. we head off in a direction we think is the way out to go and buy a map from the reception, i use the word map very loosely here because i think my 1yr old nephew could actually draw a more accurate one.
Camille was in charge of the map reading and with in the first 10 Min's Camille had convinced herself that we were going to get eaten by wild animals because we had been walking for days and there was no hope of rescue. this continued for the remainder of the walk, we walked a few miles and it was very pleasant we saw some dear and a really ugly huge bug thing that could be a wasp but i think it was to big eating a dragon fly, o nature is so warm a fuzzy.
O yea and we came across a few bogs Camille refusing to get her boots muddy she would spend hours trying to find a way around the mud, i managed to get myself completely stuck and surrounded balancing on a log and having no idea how to get out, in the end i had to do the whole if you run very fast you wont really touch the ground and then you wont get muddy scientifically proven method which i then found out doesn't actually work!! ( 2 months later and i still haven't cleaned my boots)
we arrived back at camp after about 2 hours and with every telling of the story Camille adds about 2 mile to the walk, in the end i think we did a 42 mile hike over mountains, shark infested waters and snake ridden bogs passing 2 communities of cannibals and only managing to escape by the skin of our teeth and having to teach them how to make fire with 2 boy scouts.
we were both a bit sore the next day but i thoroughly enjoyed myself, especially meeting the cannibals.
I will post the Wales camping trip soon,
Kat the cannibal trainer
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Ok well I think I made that last bit up, ok well maybe I made all of it up, what really happened was Camille and I landed at stupid o clock in the morning where we were treated to a little video on how the new Terminal 5 building worked what sign’s to follow etc (basically the same as any other terminal in fact any other airport in the world) we were then assured by the Pilot that if any of the video was a little confusing there would be an army of ground staff to help us out if we got ourselves lost, so with this newfound directional information and both bursting with excitement over this little adventure we managed to pry ourselves out of our lets say somewhat small airline chairs saying farewell to our lovely neighbours one of which I am quite positive was one of the 2 Ronnie’s you know the small one who I think is actually dead masquerading as some women, and finally managed to leave the plane only to find that there was not an army of ground staff o no there was a sum total of Zero, I think they all forgot to set there alarm clocks that day, so we both had to put faith in the Hilton directional nose which to those who do not know is Camille’s way of saying if we walk around enough we should eventually find our way out or die trying either way we will be free. But lo and behold there was ample signage leading us in the direction of our luggage. Off we both trot with lets say too much hand luggage for a family of 12.
we make it to the luggage area and there we both drop to our knees and pray that our luggage is not in Madrid (well I pray a little bit more that Camille as most of the luggage is mine) we sit and we wait then we wait a bit more........... and then like a vision through those dangling bits of plastic comes...... nope not my luggage so we wait some more........ finally after every single passenger has collected there luggage left the airport and arrived home our luggage comes through so we load up make a count yes we have all 9 bags!! And we head off.
Through customs with no uncomfortable lets say private searches and out in to the big world that is arrivals, we both get greeted by a I use the word loosely lovely taxi man I think his opening statement was “I wasn’t expecting 2 of you” what a joyous man. Off we scamper to find the lovely mans car hoping it’s not a mini coz lets be honest if he wasn’t expecting 2 of us he sure as hell wasn’t expecting the amount of luggage we had. Well we find a lift and the clever architects that built Terminal 5 obviously didn’t think it was a good idea for that lift to stop at all the floors so in we jump press the floor 3 button (o yes it might not stop at floor 2,3&4 but there are still buttons) the doors close and we go nowhere Hmmmm clever architect so out we get then we get back in to try again nope we go to 5 Hmmmmm so following the Hilton directional nose we plod along to find one of those army of ground staff to help us out we are met by some Swedish boy with a shirt that says can I help! He point us in the direction of a lift that stops at all floors ( o the simplicity) and off we go home.
So welcoming party............ well my parents are off sunning themselves in Croacia which was nice so we arrive at Camilles parents house to be welcomed by a freshly made cup of Tea and a welcome back hug. What more can you ask for? For the next 2 hours Camille and I end up lying on her parents drive drinking tea.
Welcome back to England!!
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Monday, 26 May 2008
I go to great effort to ensure you are updated with the goings on in my life and not one of you can be bothered to write me a little comment, i don't think its to much to ask, anyone can do it all it takes is a little click a few choice words and then you are done.....